Fiction 101 | Bark: A Blog of Literature, Culture, and Art

Today I?m teaching my first fiction class to the high school students at the Structured Alternative Confinement school. I?ve been doing poetry with them all year, which they seem to love, but I stupidly asked them last week if they would be interested in trying out other genres.

Rule #11: I am Kanye West

I?ll be honest: I know nothing about writing fiction. Which is why I decided to take a fiction workshop this quarter. It?s interesting (and slightly appalling) to me that I am in a graduate school creative writing program and still didn?t understand the term ?objective third? until recently, simply because my focus is in poetry. I think we should all know a little bit more about each other?s crafts.

In the interest of learning everything I can about fiction, I?ve been diligently copying down rules and proclamations that my classmates and my professor, the esteemed Sam Ligon, have handed down during class, and that is what I plan to teach my SAC students. Listed below are some examples of rules I?ve learned, followed by the way I, as a newcomer to the genre, have come to understand them:

Rule #1: Never use adverbs.
What I learned from this: Fiction writers don?t like description.

Rule #2: Don?t use the word ?towards.? Only British people say ?towards.?
What I learned from this: Fiction writers are jealous of British people, probably because their words automatically sound pretty when they speak.

Rule #3: A story cannot be a metaphor nor can it be made of metaphor.
What I learned from this: Fiction writers don?t believe in allegory or Animal Farm.

Rule #4: A relationship should always be treated as a conspiracy.
What I learned from this: Fiction writers generally end up alone.

Rule #5: ?The pool boy never sends his regards.? ?Sam Ligon
What I learned from this: Sam Ligon has a sordid past involving a pool boy.

Rule #6: Whatever you?re good at will kill you.
What I learned from this: Fiction writers are wary of being good at anything. And/or they are frequently afraid their characters might come to life and kill them.

Rule #7: If there?s going to be a dead body, put it on the first page.
What I learned from this: Fiction writers don?t like surprises.

Rule #8: ?All you?re ever gonna need is polio.? ?Sam Ligon
What I learned from this: FDR is Sam Ligon?s favorite president.

Rule #9: Dreams are dream-like and crazy people act crazy.
What I learned from this: Fiction writers discourage thinking outside the box.

Rule #10: ?Always feel what Oprah would berate you for.? ?Sam Ligon
What I learned from this: Sam Ligon has a strained relationship with Oprah.

Rule #11: You can believe anything.
What I learned from this: If I write from the point of view of Kanye West, people will have to believe that I am Kanye West.

Rule #12: There?s no single definition of good writing, but we know it when we see it.
What I learned from this: Good writing is to fiction writers what miracles are to Catholics.

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